Year 40 day something 150ish

No response from my girls
Work sucks to much to type

Year 40 day 151

Hung out with Curtis. I like that dude. Ashley is shitty drunk. She hung out with the "dj" all night. Sang karokee with him while i went to get jack d. Then left when i did so wtf.

Year 40 day 150

A co worker has inspired me to go at this again. Day 150 my relationship with my daughters has not changed. Kurstin will still answer texts havent heard from Kierstyn in a while. Dw is working at Italin Village smh IDK what he is doing. Me Im here I guess Im going to give it a go again.
Peace

Year 40 day 12

Sick all night. Time to make serious life and energy change.

Year 40 day 11

Went to Doc to get a shot. Gout was too much. Havent heard from girls. Dw took me to doc

Year 40 day 10

Fn gout has me down. My life is in a whirlwind at the moment.

Year 40 day 5

My knee and feet are swollen. My knee is really killing me. Didnt hear from thegirls today.

Year 40 day 4

Off work today was lazy. Text the girls but didnt hear from them. Headache all day blah blah

Year 40 day 3

Long ass day in Bristol. Texted the girls havent heard from them yet today. Maybe later. Kurstin text back. My feet are like ice tonight.

Year 40 day 2

Today went alright with all the changes at work. Everyone took the reconstruction well. I text the girls that I loved them. Kurstin text back right away and Kierstyn did after work. That made my day

Year 40 day 1

Lazy Sunday. Trying to mentally prepare for this week of work. Alot of changes. Miss my girls. Kierstyn text me on my birthday Kurstin did not. Daniel was here with me. Gotta go emergency call for work 9:30pm.

Again

Here we go again
Old man depression
Sneaking back in
My friend as he claims
Makes me feel insane
Thoughts of pain
Thoughts of death
Thoughts of moving on
Trying to be strong
But how many times
Do I have to overcome
It's already been done
Or maybe I am

Memory

Maybe my brain stopped because of you. Maybe my thoughts changed because of you.
Maybe my memory is just a dream.
Or maybe my memories are just stuck in between what happened
and what might have been
or maybe I am just dreaming again.
The empty spaces are shadows in the dark.
The empty spaces that I feel in my heart .
Maybe they are just waiting  on a spark.
Why I don't know why I don't show why I don't grow
Just empty spaces
Walking with  heart shadows
As I go
No memory of the road

out in clouds

All day I think about it, then at night I say it. Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing? I have no idea. My soul is from elsewhere, I’m sure of that, and I intend to end up there.All religions, all this singing, one song. The differences are just illusion and vanity. The sun’s light looks a little different on this wall than it does on that wall, and a lot different on this other one, but it’s still one light.
When I die, I shall soar with angels, and when I die to the angels, what I shall become you cannot imagine.

I Run........Why?

I run on the streets to remember where I've been to remember what I've done and to remember the roads not gonna end till I move forward so that's what I do regardless of the cracks, potholes,detour signs, & exit ramps

Brothers & Sisters Reunion 2016

When all hope of going to the 2 day show at The Shed was up, my baby made me Rock n Roll again. One of our first big moments together was the 2015 reunion.

She got us both free tickets for both shows from fellow brother Mike Carrington due to him not being able to attend. So with no plans or money saved we headed out to the Reunion.

Night 1 for us was hectic at the last second we decided to get a campsite at Whispering River because other brothers and sisters were staying there. We both got off work and headed straight to the campsite to pitch our tent and get set up. By the time we got there we literally had just enough time to pitch the tent and get to the show.

The show was amazing and the 6 pack bucket of Coors Light really kicked my a$$ for some reason. Ashley drove us all the way home that night with me asleep. At some point apparently I feel over into her lap where I remained until we got home. She drove all the way home because she had to work Saturday. Getting the tickets at the last second there was no way she could get off, nor could we afford her to miss.

Night 2 was not my best performance. I was upset that I was missing the photo for the Brothers and Sisters at The Shed with the band, and not getting to the campground early enough to meet or fellow brothers and sisters. Ashley ended up working later than expected so again we barely get to our tent before having to leave. This time we call a cab with good intentions on heading to the show which was about 20 minutes away from our site. Around 18 minutes into our cab ride we realize we left our tickets in the truck....and we turn around. At this point I am $50 bucks into the cab ride so I decide to drive myself. Ashley dead set on having a good time starts hammering down shots of JD.

I am pissed not so much because I cannot drink but because I am driving in piss pour rain which I hate. As Ashley starts feeling better I am becoming Mr. Asshole of 2016. I knew our campsite was going to be a wreck and part of me just wanted to drive on home but this is Blackberry Smoke and free tickets we are going. When we first arrive (both exhausted from work and all the driving)

I am not in a great mood and I upset Ashley to the point of tears....What a F&^k!ng  Dickhead she had done everything for me. All for me because she wanted me to have a good time.

As the music started to play I realize what a Douche I had been and I pulled her in to re assure her that I love her and let her know I was sorry about my attitude.
The show was great as always and we had a good time.

We decided to get a room after the show because there was no way we where going to the mud hole to sleep in the piss pour weather. Our room was lovely so lovely I keep a little protection under the pillow all night just in case. I hate that I let my attitude keep me from meeting more of my brothers and sisters but most of all I hate that I let it ruin part of our night especially Ashley's, because this was supposed to be a weekend of escape for her as well. So all in all the shows were Amazing! but I was not. And I want to say I'm sorry babe for my behavior I just want you to know I love you and did not mean to be such a jerk.. Never Again Babe. I love you!

2015

2016

Mountain Climbing

We truly create our own paths. It's real easy to quit driving and just ride along, then next thing you know you have rolled of a cliff. Most people that far down the mountain look up and decide to just lie down in the valley. Wasn't me. I looked in the mirror and was blinded by the reflection that the valley had created. So I started climbing and I looked up and saw a light thought that must be the top. As I've been climbing that mountain I could hear voices, all of them. I reached a point where light was shinning through and found a woman with two beautiful girls. They were stuck at that moment but together we knew we could hike together.So I stuck out my hand and the woman took it. Her children, herself and me begin to climb on to the next Today I reached another ray of light and cried tears of joy because my girls where there waiting for me to take their hand and officially come home. So I took their hand and looked up that mountain I turned to them and smiled. I smiled not because we had reached that light at the top but because together we get to start a new trail together and I know that trail is not going to be easy but I also know the hike will never be as ruff as it has been and I'll never stop climbing.

WHO ARE YOU?

When someone would ask me " Who are you?" I would respond with grief,fear, and tears, " I don't know?" Now when someone ask " Who are you?" I respond with a smile, " I don't know?" but I'm learning more about that question every day.

The Tree of Christmas

During this current time of what seems to be the Holy Wars movement to the western world most Christmas celebrators assume that, the most loved of all Christian holidays always has been just that: a Christian holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus. But Jesus was probably not born on December 25th. In fact, no one knows when Jesus was born.  Based on the information found in the bible, Jesus was likely born sometime in the fall. Christmas was not even celebrated until about a thousand years ago. The word for Christmas in late Old English is Cristes Maesse, the Mass of Christ, first found in 1038.

Perhaps Jesus was not born on December 25th, but back before the rise of the Christian religion, a bunch of other pagan gods’ births were celebrated around this date. The reason is that the winter solstice occurs a few days before, on the 21st. The winter solstice is the shortest day of the year, so to celebrate the ‘birth’ of a new year where days finally started getting longer again, it only makes sense that multiple gods were ‘born’ around this time. The following are just a small sample of other pagan gods which were celebrated around the solstice: Mithras, Horus, Attis, Dionysus, Tammuz, Hercules, Perseus, Helios, Jupiter and Apollo.

The first of these eventually became the subject of legend in which a supernatural figure would visit an evergreen tree and leave gifts on December 25^th but the decor of the tree (pole, balls, tinsel) represented male fertility (phallus, testes, semen). His name was Nimrod, and his legend was celebrated long before Jesus ever walked the Earth.

Also Osiris (Au-Sar) died on the solstice, according to legend. With the assistance of Nepthys (Nebt-Het), his wife Isis (Au Set) created a Djed Pillar (artificial penis) and impregnated herself. For the three days following, the children gestated in Isis’ belly, and on December 25th, she gave birth to twins Merul and Bast, who were the reincarnation and resurrection of their father.

The green tree is the symbol of Osiris, who is the green-skinned god of vegetation and fertility. Colored lights represent Isis, goddess of magic and divine light. Green and red are the traditional candle colors of Bast and Merul.

By the time the Romans legalized the observance of Christianity sometime in the 4th century. Most of the myriad religions in the empire already celebrated the birth of their gods on December 25th. Leading up to this day was the ancient Roman festival of Saturnalia, the annual commemoration of the temple of Saturn. Saturnalia lasted for a week, from December 17th to the 23rd. This holiday was characterized by feasting, singing, gift-giving and of course, general debauchery for which the Romans were infamous. Priests of Saturn would sport evergreen wreaths (Saturnalia circled wreaths represented female fertility) as they proceeded through the pagan temples.

Later this and other holidays traditionally celebrated around this time were consolidated into one on December 25th. Then in 350 AD, Pope Julius I declared the birth of Jesus to be this day as well. This made conversion to Catholicism an easier process for pagans. When the Roman Catholic Church finally decided to make the 25th of December a Christian holiday, they were simply adopting a long standing holiday celebrated in many pagan traditions, and even kept many of the symbols of pagan celebration. This is something that the Puritans understood. Most Americans would be surprised to learn that this religious group banned Christmas trees because they realized the pagan roots of this symbol.

For this reason, lesser-studied aspects of the bible contain warnings against such symbols. For example, in Jeremiah 10: 1-4, God warns:

Hear what the LORD says to you, O house of Israel. This is what the LORD says: “Do not learn the ways of the nations or be terrified by signs in the sky, though the nations are terrified by them. For the customs of the peoples are worthless; they cut a tree out of the forest, and a craftsman shapes it with his chisel. They adorn it with silver and gold; they fasten it with hammer and nails so it will not totter.”

Just Learning

Please bear with me Father as I am just learning to pray out loud

I figured this was the best way to say a prayer to a crowd

I have always prayed silent like others much too proud

Too proud to praise in the name of Jesus out loud

Please bring us back home Father

Instill in us the word which is our backbone

Because in this time of spiritual warfare

We're comfortable in the middle

Others on their own

For 35 years I was lost

Did not realize depression I was running in the dark

You showed me the light rising behind the cross

As you took my life away I screamed and I cried but

I understand you were showing me why

Carrying me to the way

Now I thank you Lord for my life today

And I will pray for tomorrow

Through the bad times as well as the good

Help me be heard and understood

I ask you to judge us all by our hearts

And not by our mistakes

See that we get a breakthrough

However long it takes

You teach us to Honor our Father and Mother

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

You teach women to respect their men

And men to love their women

But so many of us have gone astray

Doing wrong for so long that we've forgotten the way

I know I do not always do the right thing and I ask you to forgive me

Help us see that violence is not the remedy

And as you want us to do pray for our enemies

So I pray that you open our eyes

Give us the anointment to recognize

The Devil and his lies

I pray that you allow our spirits to be born

Grow strong, move on know right from wrong

Continue to praise, pray, show full faith for faith replaces fear

And when there is bad weather, we know your love is here forever

Because there is something better after here and not everyone will go

So I ask you to forgive them, just like me and hope they will see

For me as long as I can, as long as you permit me

Please give me the strength I need to be

Continue to bear with me and thank you for letting me see

The love you have for me

AMEN