There I was alone, naked, 25 steps from north side of the
wall to the south, 12 steps east to west, a cot, toilet, and sink. There was no
soap or toilet paper most of the time, meals at 5 am, 11 am, 4 pm, and lights on
for 24 hours. There was no explanation of why I was in here or how long I would
be and then she appeared to me again. I slowly started to fade out and the
reasons started to appear.
Rewind to two years before, I am sitting in the ER with my
son because he has an terrible case of poison ivy all over his body and we are
there to get him a shot. Then I awake, in a hospital bed, how did I get here? I
think it’s the next day? A friend comes in the room with a shit eating grin
saying “what the hell are you doing here man? “ I respond with I don’t know? “well,
are you ok?” he asks. Yea I just do not
know how I got here? He tells me that while waiting in the ER I passed out unresponsive
and they do not know why. Neither do I? He hands me a Pepsi bottle full of
whiskey and says “here I figured you were thirsty”. I tell him thanks and he
leaves. I go straight to the bathroom and throw the bottle in the trash, not
because I do not like whiskey but I’m in the hospital and still not really sure
why?
I awake two more friends in the room, one more of what I
would call a random acquaintances. Apparently they have been here for a while
and we’ve been talking but I just woke up? I ask them if they do not mind to
leave that I am tired and need to rest. They part ways and I fade out.
Again I awake and this time there she is standing against
the wall. I know she’s not real and run out into the hall. A bell rings and it’s
like the end of a school day at elementary school. There’s little kids
everywhere laughing, smiling, skipping, this is not real!! I know I am
hallucinating. I run into the room and call my mother and tell her something is
wrong very wrong I am seeing things I know are not real do not bring my kids
here to see me!! I would later find out this is two days after my friend, and
the random acquaintance where there.
For the next 3 months I would have these split seconds where
I would awake. One of the first of those I can remember I was standing outside
the hospital in the snow, only in a pair of basketball shorts, no shirt or
shoes, smoking a cig. I awoke long enough to realize this and then nothing. I
came to once over top of my sister in my room, eyes only inches away, and I was
standing on the arms of her chair squatting down in her face. Then her eyes
open in extreme fear and then I fade away.
The next time I come to a man is washing me and I’m in the
ICU. He says “Is that you Joshua?” I try to say yes but I can barely talk. He
says “Is that really you?” Again I barely squeak out a yes. “How’s your chest
feel” he ask. Now that he mentions it, it is super soar. He says “Look down and
you will see a softball size bruise on your chest, that is where we had to hit
you with adrenaline to bring you back to life, you went out on us for a second”.
He smiles and I look down and fade away. This time I would find out later that
apparently I had been in some kind of mad rage. I was in a straight jacket and
fighting all the male nurses and security and I must have been winning because
they had to tranquilize me but they overdosed me and had to jump start my heart
with adrenaline.
Everything is blurry something is in my throat I cannot
speak and can barely see but there is my mother and I am trying to ask her what
has happened and why? I remember her having me write down the questions because
she could not understand me. The only thing I remember her saying is “I don’t
know” and I fade away.
I come to in a dreamlike state of mind. I am in a hospital
room and there is someone laying there in a bed on life support. I try to focus
in, oh shit that’s me. As soon as I realize that I was looking at myself all of
a sudden an unexplanable light overwhelms everything, I hear “not ready” and
instantly eyes open a doctor has a shocked look on his face, I feel my body
gasp for air as the tube comes out of my throat, I see my mother and sister
crying and fade away. I had died and came back when they were taking me off
support.
I awake this time in a new room, I am no longer in ICU and I
feel nasty. I go into the bathroom to shower and when I come out I am going to
get coffee, how I know this is ok for me to do? I do not know? I start to step
out of my room and I hear the nurses across the hall. “That poor boy took
another shower at 4:30 in the morning”. “I know it is so sad he is so young, I
don’t think he is going to come out of it”. Wait, they are talking about me.
How many mornings have I showered at 4:30? This was the day I slowly started
coming back but walking down the halls and seeing nurse’s jump or walk to the
other side of the hall in fear of me. What had I done? What had happened to me?
The doctors never really did explain or know what happened to me during this time,
some say they overdosed me in steroids, some say I was on drugs, some think I
was possessed. Personally I do not know, I know it was not drugs. I know
whatever it was it cost me almost 2 years of my life. It would take me well
over two years to get over because look where I am at. I’m in solitaire confinement
and I am not sure why? Am I crazy?
Back to my cell and there she is again, the same little girl
I seen all those months back ago in my hospital room. I had been told I talked
to her everyday but I could not remember any conversations other than her
giving me a comfort feeling. She looks up and says “You know why you’re here.
You think you’re crazy, but I have told you over and over you are not. Now you
can step up and realize this or this is how you can live the rest of your life
here. You have seen things many others have not, murder, suicide, rape, theft, torture,
adultery, you’ve been put down and judged by your peers for things they know
nothing about. They do not know the truth. Most could not walk in your shoes
and lived through what you have and still seek answers or the truth. Your mind
was on over load your brain was ready to shut down but your heart and soul were
not. Is this you? Is this who you want to be?” And then she was gone.
I had been in that room well over a week, I had lost track of time and then two days
later I was released and took straight to the hospital just in time to have one
last conversation with my mother. Honestly it wasn’t much she asked if I was ok,
told me to go see my girls and that was pretty much it. She was gone. There
were many things during these times that happened between my mother and I that
I cannot explain or understand why she did certain things to me. I realize I
did not know her on a personal level, I know I have broken some of the
commandments, and never been a religious man or even a believer at this time
but during all my issues and time with my mother I have never cussed at her, I
never crossed the line of disrespect in no way to her. There is something to
that now that I have started to find my way and see things clear always
remember you do not choose your parents and you cannot replace them either. The
subject of honoring our parents is one of great importance. It is in both the
Old and New Testament scripture. It is one of the highest callings and greatest
task we face in life. Now I am not saying I always did what my mother asked me
to but I never disrespected her and maybe, just maybe that’s why I have been
giving another chance at life.
R.I.P. Mom I love you and miss you everyday
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